I wear frustration as a heavy fur coat drenched in icy cold water, it burdens me so, weighing me down and causing exhaustion to engulf me. I’m too weary to lift my hands in praise and too grieved for my lips to form words for prayer. My spirit groans within me at the thought or mention of the charge You laid on my heart.
How happy I was when You delighted in me! Excitement electrified the air and wind gusts of eagerness filled my sails. I shoved off from the land of certainty and safety into unchartered waters aware only of the destination but unsure of the route.
Did I hear You wrong Lord? Did the roar of my heart pounding and the rushing of my blood fill my ears drowning out Your still, small voice?
Here I sit soaked in bitterness and void of words though I am surrounded by them. They mock me as they swirl around me tempting me to drink them in but I know they are as saltwater to a dehydrated sailor.
My strength has left me. I cannot row back to shore for I cannot even see it. I have tasted of the wondrous gift You have given me and I am lovesick of it. I dare not return to the land of certainty and safety for how can one return to pig’s slop after dining at The King’s table?
Why Father?! Why did You serve me such delicacies?! I was content in the mundane. I had no dreams, and with the void of dreams come the void of nightmares. When my eyes closed in the night I was not tormented by the nightmares in which my dreams were utterly destroyed, only sleep befell me.
Now I am stranded in a sea of words without even the faintest breeze of encouragement. I know not in which way to point my bow. I’m sure you said “Write the book.” but which one? Devotional, Memoir, Children’s Series? Is there something to be learned while I drift aimlessly? I know Your timing is not my own, but how long Father?
I’ve grown faint and nausea has become my constant companion. My insides are as the sea, tossing to and fro. Let me forget Lord. Remove the taste of writing from my tongues’ memory and place me on sure solid ground. The gift was too great and the flavor drove me mad. I was as a drunkard who had been without his drink for too long. I drank the gift down quickly. Gulping it, I disregarded the rarity and importance of savoring it, drinking it slowly. It’s empty. I’m empty.
I have no strength left in me to continue the voyage. Frustration and fear shadow me. Once again quitting has quieted me. No longer will I try. No longer will I cry. I will not reach the destination of Book unless You fill my sails and push me along. I am not fruitful but I have no choice but to be faithful, I’m stuck at sea, Your Will be done.