I Won’t Be Discreetly Depressed.

IMG_3310Recently it has come to my attention how overly tired and short fused I have been lately; not to mention nauseous with loss of appetite then to inhaling any edible that didn’t eat me first. Donald, in an annoying repetitious manner, reminded me anytime I yawned that I needed to see a Doctor and make sure I had no serious health conditions. Naturally, I stubbornly brushed him off and proceeded to self-diagnose with Dr. Google..

As I explained my symptoms to Dr. G, the top two candidates were hypothyroidism and anemia. When I asked Dr. G what I could do to reduce symptoms; healthy diet, iron pills, rest, etc. was prescribed. SO! I whipped into the nearest vitamin aisle and snagged some multivitamins, allowed myself an occasional power nap, and ate EVEN healthier…all to no avail.

So I waved the white flag of surrender on my DIY healthcare and went into an actual Doctor’s office. I went over all the symptoms I’d been having, all my family health history, and timidly walked down the seemingly mile-long narrow hall to a small lab with  an assortment of lab equipment whizzing and whirring. It was impressive! I commented on how I’d never seen a lab run so smoothly, the lab techs so cohesive in motion with the machines if it wasn’t for the loud splashes of color on their scrubs they could have been missed entirely. I sat anxiously in the oversized lab seat equipped with a padded bar to rest one’s arm on {it reminded me of boarding a rollercoaster ride, but this wasn’t a ride I was eagerly anticipating.} my feet dangling roughly an inch from the floor reminding me just how small I feel when facing a needle.{It’s not the needle that freaks me out, it’s the blood. ECK.GAG.}

I left with a, “I’ll call you with the results.” and went on about my day. I didn’t even make it all the way home when my phone rang…

“Your results came back and everything looks normal. Your thyroid is fine and your iron levels are good..Am I on speaker?”

“Yes, but it’s just me what’s up?!”

“Well your symptoms and possible others such as lowered sex drive, weight gain, suicidal thoughts, homocidial thoughts, are all symptoms of depression.”

{Do you know how your eyes have to adjust whenever you’ve been inside and you walk out into the summer sunshine and for a moment all your senses seem to become disabled and then heightened?…that’s what it was like for me when I heard depression}

*Uncomfortable laugh..”But I’m not suicidal?!”

“Just think about it and let me know what you want to do.”

The next couple days depression weighed heavily, I tried shaking it, denying it, and praying it away..to no avail. But then I accepted the possibility of it and slowly the puzzle pieces came together..For weeks I had walked around with something shadowing me causing me to lose focus, sleep, forget things, lose interest in things I normally love such as working out and writing and worst of all socializing..I had gotten to where I wouldn’t even eat at the dinner table with my family but instead stand at the kitchen counter and push my food around my plate. But now the shadow had an actual form and knowing it was depression was equally terrifying and relieving..Terrifying because I’ve battled PPD and those wounds are still healing and I certainly don’t want them bursting back open, not after all the progress made. Relief because I’m not dying from some never before heard of disease.

And I’m sharing this with you because of the shame that is associated with depression.

I felt it. I don’t want to be labeled as crazy. I don’t want to have to depend on a pill to accomplish everyday tasks. I don’t want people to say it’s because of the amount of kids I have. I don’t want people to say it’s because I’ve got too much on my plate homeschooling and running a business.

Depression is not a respecter of persons, it cares not if you’re rich or poor, black or white, Christian or Atheist, a country bumpkin or a city slicker. It cares not if you’re a Mother or Father, single or married, young or old. It can affect all personality types; quiet and shy or loud and outgoing {ME!} It can happen to anybody, it can happen to you.

And if it has or if it does just know you’re not alone. I’m here with you. No, I didn’t choose it {neither did you.} but I have chosen to fight it with the help of a little green pill that I take daily to keep from slipping into a depressive episode and….







4 thoughts on “I Won’t Be Discreetly Depressed.

  1. I suffer with depression and just today I found myself in the drs office crying my eyes out over the grief of losing my momma four months ago and my daddy and I aren’t talking and me not sleeping and all I do is cry and I hate to think about eating and I understand and I wish it would just all go away. Thank you for sharing


  2. Thank you for not hiding in the shadows. For not feeling like you cannot take that little pill to help you. There is nothing wrong with you. We all need a little help from time to time. I have been suicidal in my life. I have crawled out of the darkest holes by the skin of my teeth. And my therapist is one of my greatest assets and allies. You are incredible and strong, because you know when you need a little help. Be proud of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

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